Nov 132014
 
The Vag Stadium in Qatar

FIFA today acknowledged that Qatar’s efforts in the run-up to the 2022 vote on the hosting of the World Cup were not good enough.

In a damning statement FIFA confirmed that if any country wishes to host the World Cup they would have to do much better on issues of corruption to live up to the standards demanded by the home of World football.

Speaking exclusively to us a top FIFA official said they expected much more from participating nations when trying to get a World Cup

“It is simply not good enough to give away free Rolex watches at meetings to delegates, eliminate all worker’s rights, lie about average temperatures and make under the table deals to fund grassroots football and then allow the official to take that money into a Swiss Bank account”

“We expect a range of offshore options for our money to be hidden” said our source. “Switzerland is only worth it in the winter when the skiing is good therefore we also expect Caribbean options in order to enjoy the summer months too”

The report is also expected to criticize both the English and the Spanish FA’s

“The English FA just didn’t step up to the plate with its corruption efforts” we were told. “We expect much more than a Tower of London fridge magnet and a welcome postcard from David Cameron with his melted cheese smile. Equally Beckham is much too squeaky clean and he is not a good role model for FIFA. We expect better efforts in future”

Meanwhile the Spanish FA are lambasted for their inefficiency and inability to cut a deal with Qatar.

“Spain did a deal with Qatar to guarantee Qatar’s vote for 2018 as long as they voted for Qatar in 2022, however they didn’t make sure the Qatar would keep their side of the bargain. We are very happy with the actions of Qatar stabbing another country in the back as that lives up to the traditions of FIFA as an organisation but Spain will have to learn basic corruption etiquette that you should never pay out the money before guaranteeing the result. Equally we are stunned that Spain could make such basic errors of judgement as they are past masters at this kickback game”.

When asked how Qatar could improve things before the hosting of the event our FIFA official stated that “It may be too late but they have made a good start with the treatment of all the foreign construction workers, the way they handed out the contracts to building companies and the design of a stadium to look like a vagina in order to subtly emphasise to the football world how they are getting screwed. They almost get to the required shadiness level with those contracts but we believe they still have a way to go in reality”.

Nobody in the English FA was available for comment at the time of writing as they are believed to be making Sepp Blatter an offer he cannot refuse.

The Vag Stadium in Qatar

The Vag Stadium in Qatar

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